This might be a bit of an odd post, but I think it is so important to be real about our experiences. That’s what led to this post about the journey to motherhood just really being stinky sometimes.

If you have been following our journey specifically, you would know that my husband and I have been going through IVF to have a baby. Don’t get me wrong with this post, we are BEYOND blessed to have the opportunity to use IVF to get pregnant. The technology that’s available now is amazing and God can use all things to bring us our blessings.

I felt led, not just because of our journey, but also because I hear from so many other amazing women going through this journey to become mothers and there is so much heartache and despair and just crazy stories that we all go through to become mothers and fill our hearts’ desire.

When it comes to being a mother, it is hard on the men in our lives because they feel our sadness and grief, but they too can’t wait to be fathers and I’m sure it’s difficult for them to feel added pressure with an inability to do anything to help. Even still, they don’t fully understand all that we, as longing mothers, are going through either.

It’s so interesting that as we grow up and learn about these things in health class, we do not learn about how difficult it can be to get pregnant. Many of us go off birth control and we expect that in the next month we’re going to see the two lines or the pregnant written on the test and that’s it, it’s that easy.

Except, not so much.

For some of us it’s month after month of testing at just the perfect time, with yet another negative, then it’s ovulation tester kits because maybe we’re not ovulating or maybe we’re not doing the baby dance at the right time.

Many of us go through the multitudes of supplements and vitamins that many of us purchase in hopes that it helps our gametes.

Then it’s more testing and more disappointment and the next thing you know, your doctor sends you for an HSG exam. Oh and that hurts. Just a warning.

In the exam, if you’re like me, the doctor says “you have a unicornuate uterus, you’re gonna need IVF”. Which you of course don’t fully know what that means because you’re heard of IVF, but you have seriously no idea what you’re in for.

Welp, at least it feels like a positive step in the right direction. We can start taking measures toward that baby, which is honestly exciting.

In my case, I actually made out pretty well through our first cycle but it can be very up and down for a lot of us. For some of us, it just gets more and more complicated and we continue doing whatever the doctor says.

After all this, we might get pregnant and then sadly many of us suffer loss.

This journey is just rough. There is no other way to put it.

Of course, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t turn it on its head and share about the beauty of this experience too.

That’s the really crazy and interesting thing about this journey. It is both awful and beautiful all at the same time.

Through this journey, all of us wannabe mothers trudge through this experience because we long to take care of a little baby and raise it in this crazy world as our own. It feels like our heart is tied to the existence of something that isn’t even here yet.

This is also something that ties us all together and we can suffer and celebrate together as we make our way toward motherhood.

In the ups and downs, we often grow closer with our spouses, we grow closer with our bodies in understanding and listening to them, and we often have small wins along the way.

This is the beauty of it, that God is with us through every single part.

Doors get opened, embryos are made, love grows stronger, knowledge increases, and the best part is that in the end there are often beautiful babies that make our heart grow in size.

What we learn through this experience is invaluable, the strength that we find to power through is like none other, and the physical, mental, and often spiritual toll this takes on us can either lift us up or tear us down.

It’s all a delicate balance.

This experience, in my opinion, can often be worse than grief. I heard someone mention that it’s like this hope that never ceases. That is a beautiful thing, but what’s hard about it is that with grief, we can often move on from it and start to heal the wounds. When trying to conceive, it can be a journey that takes years with a wound that never fully closes because there is that little glimmer of hope.

I wanted to write these things to say, I see you.

I know how hard this is, and I know how hard you will fight to have that baby that you desire so strongly.

I could easily turn this post into a very pessimistic one and say that all this heartache and constant attack isn’t worth it and it’s so horrible and that hope is mean.

I won’t do that though. Even through all of this, the very idea of having a baby on the other end of it all keeps us going. It’s that faith that we will have our heart’s desire, it’s that in that hope, it is NEVER actually hopeless because we have a creator and savior that loves us enough to provide a way.

Our end might not look how we think, but I can promise that God will make a way for HIS end of this journey to be perfect for each and every one of us and if we hold onto that promise and that our Creator is GOOD, we cannot fail no matter what happens.

Turning my eyes to Heaven has been one of the few things that has gotten me through this journey. It’s that closeness to God that makes this experience worth it.

This is a very hard thing and no one should ever tell you otherwise, but we do have hope, we are stronger than we think, and we are united.

God Bless